Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had an Australian Accent I would never shut up

   I'm REALLY good in bed...I stay on my side and I rearly steal all the covers

   Bob Barker turned 88 this week , what did he get for his birthday? " A NEW CAR !!!"

   My girlfriend said I should get the same hairstyle as Justin Bieber. So I shaved off my pubic hair.

   When your ex says "You'll never find anyone like me" reply with "That's the point"

   When a serial killer sees their victim is getting away, they should just shout"you're on scare tactics!" and then catch up and shank them.

   Okay...Who else keeps clicking the "Help Center" tab instead of "Log Out"? Facebook's just keeping us on our toes, and driving us out of our minds.

   My most meaningful conversations these days are with Siri

   to the lady smoking a cig. with the windows rolled up, kids in the back seat: need I say anymore

   Canada still up there? Somebody really should check now and then.

   Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

   Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles

   I'll have a Cafe-Moca-Vodka-Valium-Latte to go please...

   Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger.

   Victoria's Secret just launched a new bra called Netherlands. It has a lot of support, but no cup!!!!

   Wal-mart employee-"can I help you"? Me-"do you have anything i'd like". Employee-"how would I know what you'd like"? Me-"you started this".

   Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let's get this thing done.

   My wife says I'm a clueless idiot. I didn't even know I had a wife.

   I am more convinced than ever that we are fast approaching the idiocracy...that epochal tipping point in our development, where stupid people set the agenda for humanity

   P0rn is so unrealistic. There is no way in hell a guy with a ponytail would own a house that nice.