Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always feel a little guilty when I swallow my multi-vitamin with beer.

   I didn't look so great today, but my simple hello with a smile made someone else feel really great.

   6 family members had a birthday this month and thanks to Facebook I knew that this year.

   Happy Easter Yolks!

   As Commander in Chief Obama announced he had killed Bin Laden, his GOP rival for 2012 announced he had fired Hope Dworaczyk from 'Celebrity Apprentice'

   Now that we found Osama, it's time to find Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and Elvis.

   The best thing about this weather is the short skirts & low cut tops......... Even if they do make me look gay!

   Folgers coffee ads are ALL WRONG! The best part of waking up is being able roll over and go back to sleep.

   Shia LaBeouf has every vowel in his name, which might be the most interesting thing about him.

   TODAY IS THE DAY HELL FROZE OVER....I got to work at 815am...enjoy the cool breeze!

   I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking... scared the hell out of me. So that's it, after today... no more reading.

   I just saved a bunch of money on therapy by switching to Dolly Parton music!!

   I would sell my soul for a cookie and a nap right now

   There's a new idea being presented that pedophilia is some sort of sexual orientation. If that's the case, let me be the first to volunteer to beat you straight. #SaveOurChildren

   What's the point of being a lesbian if a woman is going to look and act like an imitation man?

   thinking the sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette

   PANTS ON THE GROUND, PANTS ON THE GROUND! YOU'RE LOOKIN LIKE A FOOL WIT YOUR PANTS ON THE GROUND! PANTS ON THE GROUND! YOU'RE LOOKIN LIKE A FOOL WIT YOUR PANTS ON THE GROUND!......... Ya know, Simons right. I think it could be a hit.

   Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he's being told where to deliver the ransom money.

   Americans treat the Constitution the same way they treat the Bible: Despite never having read or understood it, they are quite certain they know both.

   Can you imagine how terrifying it would be to actually NOT know the difference between your ass from a hole in the ground?