Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Guardian Angel be like "I'm gonna lose my job and end up in hell with this mother f*cker..."

   Caller ID should be more specific. It should say things like, "Needs to borrow money" or "Will whine about petty stuff".

   A single kind word or a photo of your boobs can make somebody's day.

   *calls up Domino's. . . WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVENLY? . . YOU'RE TEARING MY FAMILY APART !

   This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.

   the S or the C silent in the word scent?

   How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!!!

   IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.

   I don't care if you're male or female as long as you fill the paper roll the right way. Oh, and make sure the seat is down...

   Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club.

   I got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently its wrong to yell "SHOTGUN" before boarding a plane.

   Memorial Day Weekend is coming up and Summer is just around the corner. I can tell because the UPS guy asked me to put sun block on his legs.

   FACT: I've been rescheduling the same dentist appointment since 2009

   Made eye contact with a stranger today. Turns out strangers don't like it when you touch their eyeballs.

   I guess I won't be allowed to host any more baby showers. Who knew the baby shaped piñata wouldnt be a hit!

   All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz and I'm fine.

   I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.

   A security staffer at Coachella put Justin Bieber in a chokehold. Fortunately, he's used to being overpowered by men from behind.

   I need a girlfriend that hugs me if we fight.

   Breaking news: a massive earthquake measuring 8.8 on the Richter scale was just reported in south florida Don't be alarmed- it was just all of the heat bandwagon fans jumping off at the same time