Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Time to take off you Hoser. God speed Bob and Doug Mckenzie

   Bad news, A friend of mine fell into a reupholstering machine. Good news, Hes now recovered.

   Reverse cowgirl, cause eye contact is extra.

   I wish they would stop making things out of unicorns, , those things are already almost extinct

   n’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and another that’s like “I don’t know how to hold a pencil"

   Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've gone Commando a few times in your life.

   If I ever get stranded on a Dessert Island, I hope it’s a Cherry Cheesecake.

   Dear History Channel: I remember when you used to have stuff about History. -MTV

   I've decided to invest in fine art. I don't really know much about art though; I'm just in it for the Monet.

   A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

   Life's too short to wonder why I have no pants on while hugging you. Don't make this awkward.

   Hey if you guys see a chameleon, it's mine. If you don't, that ones mine too.

   "Oh no, no, no! I'm a rocket man!" ~ KimJong Ung

   I refuse to jump on the ‘I hate Mondays’ bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally..

   Whenever you are having a bad day, keep in mind someone's favorite Batman was George Clooney.

   I wish I'd say "Yes" to an aisle seat. Now I'm at the window, drunk and in charge of the emergency door. In case of emergency, climb over me.

   if you own a body shop and it's not called "Auto Correct", then what's the point?

   Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.

   How long after shaking my money-maker should I expect a check?

   Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.