Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best sign of a intimate relationship are no pictures of it on Facebook.

   Raise the age to buy guns? What this country really needs to do is raise the age of puberty.

   I wish my car's back-up camera had a "Save" button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

   I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

   It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that..

   I didn't mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone.

   If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan

   Makeup can make you look pretty on the outside, but it won't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup...

   Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast? Applicant: I'll get you an answer in about a week. Manager: Brilliant! You're hired.

   Gorilla Glue works best if you want your fingers stuck to whatever’s broken but you don’t actually want to fix it.

   Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

   Before Facebook I had to disappoint people in person

   Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from "Stranger Things" now.

   Cool Fact:Fred Flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

   Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

   Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

   Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

   This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

   Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

   DID YOU KNOW: Mrs. Doubtfire was originally titled: Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dad.