Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently while handling guns in the hunting department at Walmart, it's not a good idea to ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are

   Whenever I see signs that say ‘slow pedestrians' or ‘slow children playing' I can't help but picture people in helmets playing in the street.

   I found the key to success, only to discover that the door was never locked.

   My neck is sore from whipping my hair back and forth all night...

   The first Monday night game in Detroit in almost 10 years and the Lions aren't even playing in it!"

   I just created ice by putting some water outside for 5 minutes. Take that MacGyver!

   people may not think I'm a big deal here, but in Munchkinland everybody looks up to me and I'm a huge success.

   The best don't-drink-and-drive message ever would be if the Budweiser blimp crashed into the Goodyear blimp during a game.

   salutes Dr. Seuss, who died today in 1991. Cats in hats, green eggs, Whoville? Thanks for the inspiration to take drugs!

   You know the incredible thing about hearts is their unbelievable capacity for forgiveness... You'd be amazed what people will overlook when they love someone...

   I'm thinking of a number between one and who gives a sh*t

   I wish you were here...in my room...on my bed...with the lights off..under the blanket...so I can show you my new watch that glows in the dark!

   One day you're gonna ask me whose life is more important? Yours or mine, I will say mine and you'll walk away never knowing you are my life.

   If a book about failure doesn't sell, does it become a succes?

   An Eskimo in the North Pole was arrested on suspicion of murder. Police want to know what he was doing on the night between September and March.

   considered being a stay-at-home mom but then I found out the kids would be there too.

   If I win the Power Ball, I will buy two lbs of cheese from Whole Food.

   Hillary's campaign manager: "Try being less of a c*nt..."

   Pro tip: the kids run around a little longer of you forget to hide the eggs

   If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn't for you.