Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently, rush hour starts the second I put my key in the ignition, no matter what time I leave.

   just read Snooki doesnt wanna be called "Snooki" anymore. so what do we call her now? I say we call her "Annoying Orange" or is that taken?

   After my divorce, I realised that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.

   America, home of the brave...land of the broke!

   Don't look at me like I'm crazy when I ask if your store caries Ancient Indian Burial Ground Test Kits...

   copying your profile picture so I can put it in my wallet and pretend its my girlfriend

   Charlie Sheen is really coming to the defense of Lindsay Lohan. In fact, he's set up a website asking the media to leave her alone. The site is doing great, it's received almost as many hits as his wife.

   If I could turn back time I'd slap myself silly the moment I was in Home Depot and thought it was a good idea to buy a padded toilet seat. Never...EVER... get up too quickly from a padded toilet seat

   not sexist; being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women.

   What do you get if you eat a Blackberry ? ... A Bluetooth.....

   When are we going to tell Puerto Rico it was adopted?

   I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge ... when I'm high.

   I don't understand why my friend and his wife won't talk to me anymore... They are vegetarians so I think it's well within my right to call their kids "Children of the Corn."

   I own a shop selling 'CLOSED' signs. We haven't had a single customer.

   Mr. Krabs needs to get a DNA test on Pearl.

   Why do all of the female college basketball players look like Katt Williams ?

   Dear girl with flip flops on and has six toes. I enjoy your confidence but let's get some boots on

   Anybody who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.

   Life will be good when I wake at this hour, yawn, stretch, find the cold spot on my pillow and go back to sleep because I'm retired and rich from lottery winnings.

   The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."