Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Half eaten Swiss Cake Rolls taste twice as delicious when snatched from the desperate grip of a small child.

   when I'm at the supermarket I like to look at my cashier straight in the eyes and tell her I see you checking me out girl!!!!

   It's so adorable how MySpace keeps sending me reminders to come back.

   when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers..

   Arite guys, celebrity doppelgänger week is over. Take down these beautiful celebrities and let's see your ugly faces again.

   If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0

   couldn't use my Shakeweight today... it had a headache

   Officer: You know why I pulled you over just now? Me: You didn't see me the first two times?

   I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up

   Women should come with a log book of past activities

   They're going to be so pissed off in Chile when they get down the mine and only find Bart Simpson's walkie-talkie

   If they made Siri a man's voice I'd trust the directions more.

   Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

   Honestly, I've never seen anyone fall because of a banana peel.

   I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.

   With so many girls pregnant at school, condoms should be on the supply list.

   Relax........Let's get back to the important things in life! Like stealing eachothers status!

   The man, whos 1 step was a giant leap for mankind has died. RIP Neil Armstrong.

   I remember in 1st grade, if you were the line leader you were the s$it!

   My ex has a new boyfriend and I’m glad. I mean I want her to be happy. As long as I’m happier and she knows that.