Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sort of embarrassing when the babysitter shows up, and I don't have kids, and then it's $300 an hour.

   Dear Doctor Phil: I am 16 years old and I am not pregnant yet, does that mean my brother is g@y?

   Half eaten Swiss Cake Rolls taste twice as delicious when snatched from the desperate grip of a small child.

   Once it has been crushed completely, you will find that your spirit is much easier to snort.

   I haven't had secks in so long, I've even forgotten how to spell it.

   Danica Patrick is on the pole. That has a nice ring to it....

   It's so adorable how MySpace keeps sending me reminders to come back.

   when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers..

   Arite guys, celebrity doppelgänger week is over. Take down these beautiful celebrities and let's see your ugly faces again.

   If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0

   couldn't use my Shakeweight today... it had a headache

   Officer: You know why I pulled you over just now? Me: You didn't see me the first two times?

   I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up

   Women should come with a log book of past activities

   They're going to be so pissed off in Chile when they get down the mine and only find Bart Simpson's walkie-talkie

   If they made Siri a man's voice I'd trust the directions more.

   Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

   Honestly, I've never seen anyone fall because of a banana peel.

   I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.

   With so many girls pregnant at school, condoms should be on the supply list.