Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd rather check my Facebook than face my checkbook!

   A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.

   thinks it's inappropriate for Sea World to have a seafood restaurant.

   When David Beckham scored, I'd drink BECKS, when Paul Scholes scored, I'd drink SKOL, when Kenny Miller scored, I'd drink MILLER. Thank God David Seaman played as a goalkeeper!

   Just because I flirt with you doesnt mean I like you.

   Well I just watched Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" in the middle of the night on my night off all by myself. I'm not scared or anything but I wish my wife were awake so she could walk me to the bathroom. That's ok though....I can hold it.

   Somewhere in the world, some stripper is still claiming she is paying her way through college ten years and no degree later.

   Has anybody woke Green Day up yet?

   jI just finished installing a flux compacitor in my DeLorean and I'm heading back in time to prevent the band Hanson from releasing the song "Mmmm Bop"! I need to stop that atrocity from ever happening!

   I just saw a hobo on the side of the road with a sign that said "Hungry Hungry Hobo."

   I took my son to soccer practice for the first time today and I was amazed at the number of moms pulling up in 4x4's I thought to myself, "They will never use those for off-roading." Then I saw them trying to park.

   I've heard enough of this Black Friday crap. The sooner we realize that all Fridays matter the better off we'll be as a society.

   Marry a woman who can cook. Anyone can scr3w but a good cook is hard to find.

   You say lonely I say home alone with an opportunity to masturbate

   Before Kanye west says he is going to be a bigger hero than Nelson Mandela by the time he reaches 95, shouldn't he spend 27 years in jail first?

   The judge says oscar pistorius can't be found guilty of murder... That's very disturbing news... For my wife who's just gone to the toilet...

   I bet you guys can't guess what the Titanic's least favorite kind of lettuce is

   Dear god thank you for all the good times you brought me in 2010. Especially for that waitress in Myrtle Beach. You remember her....she kept screaming your name.

   The white house has a new Benghazi slogan: Hope and change the subject

   I spend so much time on Facebook that I forgot the internet has porn.