Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have reasons to believe the term 'More bang for your buck' was first used by Hookers..

   I'd love to have sat in the marketing analysis meetings that gave us our early cartoons. "You know what America would love? A batsh*t crazy woodpecker, that's what! And a pig, a stuttering f*cking pig!"

   I saw the new Facebook movie. Filling the theater with annoying people adds a realistic touch.

   Sorry to hear about the whole “losing your mind thing.” But I know you pretty well and I don't think you'll miss it.

   An office Christmas party is not a good time to ask the boss for a raise. Wait until the next day when you have pictures

   I expected the Eagles to loss. All the birds are dying anyway...makes perfect sense.

   How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.

   I always laugh at myself. If I didn't, everyone else would be having fun without me.

   Cold poptart and instant coffee = The breakfast of champions that wake up really late for work.

   One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions

   If there is a window of opportunity ... why the hell does it knock? Shouldn't it be a door? No wonder so many people miss opportunities. They answer the door, not the window.

     When they say "instant credit," they actually mean "instant debt"!

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet...

   Don't EVER fight for someone who wouldn't damn fight for you.

   If you're so much better than the leading brand... why aren't you the leading brand?

   I miss those days when sex was safe and sports cars were dangerous.

   If you can't handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart then you don't deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

   I never win an argument with my wife, I survive them.

   Go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.

   After Facebook picked our minds for years...NOW it is asking How it's going?....how am I feeling? and what's happening? Is this some kind of psycho Therapy..?? Like · · Promote