Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing any role in society.

   Some days, you just gotta remind yourself "Stab'em below the waist and it's only assault, NOT attempted murder."

   I just had Déjà vu...and you were a b itch both times.

   Damn dog follows me into the bathroom all the time, so I told her it freaks me out. She then turned around and walked out. Now I am a bit freaked out that she understands sentences.

   Why do fools fall in love? Because smart people know that, odds are, it will end horribly.

   A violent outburst like that can only mean one thing...Jay-Z pushed all the floor buttons at one time.

   It sad how some losers are giving us a minute-by-minute update on Kanye & Kim wedding. If you were that important to them I am sure they would have sent you an invite.

   It's not premature if you're still at the dinner table and she doesn't notice.

   If drunk me doesn’t like you, then sober me has seriously thought about murdering you at some point.

   I wish I had half the respiratory health and vitality that my dog does. She smells everyone's a$$ and still never catches a cold.

   My condoms are expiring soon... Ladies

   Why don't strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.

   Hey, parents. Stop raising children and start raising adults.

   Ladies walk the dog don't let the dog walk you

   Sorry I photobombed your selfie, but I needed an alibi.

   When you are dead you don't know that you're dead, but it's hard for the people around you. It's the same if you are stupid.

   Lets call SELFIES what they really are; ALONIES

   The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone".

   Interesting Fact: The belt is actually the first "original" ADHD medicine.

   Can we just move on from Netflix and chill? What happened to picking up girls on their front porch with flowers for an actual date?!?!