Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They keep telling me that the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck.

   If you were on a deserted island and you could only bring one item, how come people never say "A boat"

   Queen Elizabeth now has a Facebook page,going to give her a poke

   Dear lunatic boyracer in the souped-up, loud BMW.. If you want to kill yourself by driving like an imbecile on icy roads kindly do this at 4am where you are very unlikely to take an innocent person with you.

   What do you mean push #1 for English???

   Chaos: What erupts when he-who-lives-in-a-glass-house invites he-who-is-without-sin for dinner.

   You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)

   We are in for such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual and so far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared, Are you all OK?

   Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.

   looking for a cute little bunny with a nice set of eggs

   better to know and be disappointed, than to never know and always wonder..

   Turning his beds into bunk beds so that there is more room for activities

   the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. I told her I wanted to be on cops

   I'll give you an exact definition of "in love". When her bra and underwear match.

   going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they act up I will just hit them all at once

   The nice thing about waiting a week to listen to your voicemail is that those people usually don't need you for that thing anymore.

   Does the North Korean World Cup team get to choose their method of execution when they get home?

   The economy is so bad that I ordered a Big Mac at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

   I sure hope they get the NJ boardwalk fixed in time for hurricane season!!

   If I was blind, I would say "That's something you don't see everyday",,,, To just about every comment.