Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you work for British Airways & have been on strike this week, next time you see a soldier/airman/sailor who's returned from Operations in Afghanistan make sure you tell him/her about your awful working conditions, poor uniform & low pay. Good luck.

   We've gotten too much snow lately. Everywhere outside it looks whiter than the audience at a Toby Keith concert!

   Men think about sex every 7 seconds. Which is why I eat hot dogs in 6 seconds, so it doesn't get weird.

   Pick up line of the day: Hey, did you know that girls can't touch their elbows together? (works best with women wearing low-cut shirts)

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again.

   Have you guys ever heard of the "SNUGGIE"? Well in fact, the Original "SNUGGIE" is from Mexico, it's called "The Pancho"

   it possible for an Asian to take a picture without making a peace sign?

   Don't say all guys are the same when it's just you who keeps falling for the same type of guys. The losers and the abusers.

   Never laugh at your wife's choices. You are one of them !!

   the Facebook redesign isn't nearly as bad as when Facebook redesigned all the hot girls from my high school into middle aged over weight fatties.

   Wonders why so many people are freaking out as a result of the Facebook changes. This may be a good indicator that what you really need is a life.

   There's "hell" in hello and there's "good" in goodbye... I don't know what that means but think about it.

   When life seems to have turned it's back on you,stand up and kick it in the ass.

   I love you so much that there's almost no chance I'd use you as a human shield against a Navy SEAL'S attack.

   I asked a friend, "how's your wife?" He answered, "compared to who?"

   I gotta get outta this funk, I've somehow lost my spunk. I'm not cheery, or happy, and I hate feeling crappy. Perhaps I should just get drunk!"

   I love cornbread. Not as much as the woman next to me who has "CORNBREAD" tattooed on her arm... but I love it nonetheless.

   I hate YHGTBFKM mornings. That's when you wake up, look at your alarm clock, and say "You have got to be f&$king kidding me".

   The word “but” is a great way to let people know that the first part of your sentence was all a lie.

   Being faithful to your boyfriend or girlfriend should be common sense. But there is always that one retard that did not get the memo.