Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lord, give me patience or a really good lawyer.

   I'm not drunk, I'm just trying to walk like Jack Sparrow.

   Dear IRS: First of all, you should know I filled my form out with my middle finger.

   should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is

   Sometimes I feel like I understand it all...And then sometimes De Speaka No Englis

   Save up to 100% in gifts when you break up a day before VDay & make up 2days after!!

   To be honest, I'm just fishing for compliments tonight.

   hooked on ebonics...tru dat dawg

   To the people telling me about how bored they are; don't look at me, I have nothing for you.

   I think facebook is a teenager...its going through alot of changes lately

   69% of the time people find something dirty in this sentence.

   dont substitute your dreams for the truth. Pay attention to what's right in front of your nose before it's too late.

   overheard at walmart ; customer service needed in the sporting goods, we have a customer by the balls.

   you know your getting old when all the athletes you watch on TV are younger than you

   FAXT: you are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark

   Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.

   People assume when I yawn that I've lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.

   It's a well known fact... buying cheap toilet-paper can lead to a self violation.

   The first person you think of in the morning or last person you think of in the night is either the cause of your happiness or your pain

   Definition of laziness : It's a talent of taking rest before you get tired..........coz prevention is better than cure