Funny Status Messages

   thinks that now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me.

   nodding off at the computer. I think I've been here too long. Just one more website and then I'll check my facebook page again. Oh yeah, I gotta make sure I got that email. After that, I'll go to bed.

   A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

   It's now OFFICIAL!!! Facebook has become the weather channel.... Yes I know its nice outside...but thank you for the updates every other min!

   Yes acupuncture is an "ancient technique." Other "ancient techniques" included leeches and dying from plague. I'm good with drugs thanks.

   While I like the idiom "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar", it remains the unvarnished truth that sh!t attracts more flies than anything.

   The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

   is gonna go to a psychiatrists office, sit in the waiting room and just stare at people..

   You need gray hair and hemorrhoids to be a consultant. The gray hair makes you look distinguished & the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.

   It's February. Think now may be a good time to take down your freakin' Christmas lights? Hmm?

   So, you're telling me that the Grammys aren't cute little bags of cocaine?

   If you are thinking about getting married but are unsure, ask yourself "What would Jesus do?" Then remember that Jesus was never married.

   Gray hair is the human body's equivalent of low toner.

   People setting up GoFundMe's because they can't afford a TV... Don't you know that's what lay-a-way is for?

   Due to the Economy, All dollar stores will be accepting 4 easy payments of 25 cents each.

   If you bought a fruitcake this weekend, you have until March 2035 to eat it.

   The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.

   if you're feeling down about your love life, remember that salmon swim hundreds of miles upstream to jack-off on a pile of eggs and die

   Given the exploding population of idiots in our communities, I think it’s about time we required people to pass a test first before they are allowed to vote. We can’t afford to put our destiny in the hands of clueless idiots.

   It's gotten so bad that Trump has reached out to Puerto Rico and asked for the paper towels back..