Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wishing the amazing Olympic athletes from around the world the best of luck in Sochi (finding drinking water and toilets).

   I can't believe Skelator sold out and is now doing commercials. Oh well, he's still a better pitchman than Michael Bolton.

   I initially thought this codeine cough syrup was disgusting, but after the second stack of pancakes, it's not so bad.

   It's always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.

   I just want to be rich enough to legally hunt people.

   I own 13 pairs of black yoga pants just in case you want to question my white girl status.

   What do we want?!? GOOD DECISIONS!!!!! When do we want them?!? BEFORE LAST NIGHT!!!!

   If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

   If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.

   Mary Poppins was just called Mary before she got into breakdancing.

   Josh Shaw now claiming he broke his ankles keeping looters out of his grandmother's Bakery in Ferguson...

   I was going to smoke a joint with some Mexicans. I asked if any of them had papers and the all ran away.

   It's an absolute proven FACT that Criminals commit a lot less crime .... After they've been shot!

   I've outsourced my LIKES, Birthday wishes and comments on your post and pics to a firm in India. So if Sanjay isn't showing you enough love, please let me know right away.

   My cat likes to scratch on a wicker chair. She likely thinks it's her guitar. I sing along because I don't want her to feel stupid.

   I thought AshleyMadison was the bakery that made Zingers... Didn't they used to sponsor Charlie Brown specials?

   Her: We need to talk Me: how do you keep getting that duct tape off?

   Why do we only crave what's bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I'd kill for some salad."

   You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!

   The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…