Funny Status Messages
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Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back” 
UPS delivery guys don't like it when you go up to their truck and order an ice cream sandwich and a bomb pop.
The people in horror movies would live a lot longer if they listened to me in the audience.
Call me paranoid but I don't trust brown towels.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
Chicken pot pie.... the three things I love the most
Hi, I'm Morgan Freeman. You're reading this in my voice aren't you?
it rude to throw an Altoid in someone's mouth while they are talking?
I hate it when my nap gets interrupted by a pedestrian slamming into my windshield.
has discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken! So I guess there is no point bothering with hash browns then
I just saw a woman in a pair of Daisy Dukes. Unfortunately, she looked like Boss Hogg.
Why are we supposed to give special treatment to Black Friday, i'm just gonna come out and say it #ALLFRIDAYSMATTER
real friends stab you in the front.
"Guess I'll turn on the news to see what the government is up to" - The President of the United States
your father's brother's nephew's cousin's sister's uncle's brother's friend's second cousin's former roommate on your mothers side.
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
The Only good thing that can come from a kim kardashian song, is a kim kardashian music video!
My girlfriend said bringing toys into the bedroom would spice up our sex lives... So I double fisted her with a set of Hulk Hands.
She told me she'd sleep with me when pigs fly, so you can imagine how happy I am to see that police helicopter over my house right now. 