Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're not using your grownup powers to occasionally do something your child-self would have found awesome, then what's the point?

   Wondering if Snookie's parents have a bumper sticker that says, "Our daughter is a slut on Jersey Shore" or "Our Slut can beat up your Slut!"

   Facebook is going to start making high school reunions really awkward."John! I haven't seen you in ten years! Wow, what have you been up to since that nap you took at 3 o'clock this afternoon?"..

   Auctioneers are proof that white guys could rap if they wanted to

   Dear Easter Bunny, no chocolate this year..... just bring me gas!! (not the kind that the boiled eggs give you either)

   You know when guys pee, and they shake their pen!s for that last drop? ...........That's how much gas I got for 2 dollars.

   Do you know any jokes about sodium? Na

   was apparently misinformed about the meaning of 'cyber' Monday. *zips pants* My apologies to all of my co-workers.

   Just to you let you all know, having a conversation under someone's post is annoying!!

   Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7. He replied "I still love Vista, baby".

   saving a lot on his car insurance by fleeing the seen of the accident

   I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. Guess she heard her killer coming.

   Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't... I started the wife up like a f*cking chainsaw.

   I may not be perfect, but Jesus thinks I'm to die for.

   I am finding all the RIP's for a drug addicted Amy Winehouse and none for the 95 innocent people killed in the massacre that happened in Norway rather ironic....... RIP for those who died innocently!!

   Today........"WORK" is a 4 letter word!!

   I ate some green cheese yesterday, thinking it was green for St Patricks day. Turns out it was just really bad cheese! I've been sitting on this toilet for 14 hours.

   Real men like curves; Only dogs like bones.

   I'll give Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries two Months at the most ...you can't turn a hoe into a house wife .

   nourishing his inner child with Cheetos and beer.