Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Easter Bunny, no chocolate this year..... just bring me gas!! (not the kind that the boiled eggs give you either)

   You know when guys pee, and they shake their pen!s for that last drop? ...........That's how much gas I got for 2 dollars.

   was apparently misinformed about the meaning of 'cyber' Monday. *zips pants* My apologies to all of my co-workers.

   Just to you let you all know, having a conversation under someone's post is annoying!!

   Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7. He replied "I still love Vista, baby".

   saving a lot on his car insurance by fleeing the seen of the accident

   I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. Guess she heard her killer coming.

   Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't... I started the wife up like a f*cking chainsaw.

   I may not be perfect, but Jesus thinks I'm to die for.

   I am finding all the RIP's for a drug addicted Amy Winehouse and none for the 95 innocent people killed in the massacre that happened in Norway rather ironic....... RIP for those who died innocently!!

   Today........"WORK" is a 4 letter word!!

   I ate some green cheese yesterday, thinking it was green for St Patricks day. Turns out it was just really bad cheese! I've been sitting on this toilet for 14 hours.

   Real men like curves; Only dogs like bones.

   I'll give Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries two Months at the most ...you can't turn a hoe into a house wife .

   nourishing his inner child with Cheetos and beer.

   Honestly autocorrect...I'm getting a bit tired of your shirt.

   Dance like no ones watching. Sing like no ones listening. Live everyday like Maury told you its not your baby.

   I bet crocodiles are pissed off that "crocs" no longer stands for "gigantic vicious reptiles," but now means "gay shoe."

   Does anyone know where I can return 10 Lords a Leaping without a gift receipt?

   Every rapper out there thinks they are the next Tupac. But they seem to want to bypass the part where Tupac was the hype man on the Humpty dance.