Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

   Animals are our friends, but they won't pick you up at the airport

   My mind reels at the changes that will happen in the next 108 years before the Cubs' next World Series.

   Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket.

   70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.

   The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

   This is what happens when the Cubs win the World Series.

   Cubs win the World Series, Trump wins the Pressidency..what's next? Me in a stable relationship?...I like those odds

   Will be interesting to see which people in the Democr@t command structure get "Suicided" over the next few weeks.

   I'd publish my autobiography but it's just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.

   There will be a 'Supermoon' tonight... That means it will be wearing its underpants on the outside.

   My alone time is sometimes for your safety."

   12 years of school, 4 years of college; so now I can type "c you @ 2" #reallife

   How can you say you like Maroon-5 ??.... Did you even try Maroons' 1 through 4 ??

   I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people's attention. I hate them more than when my supermodel wife puts a scratch on one of my Lamborghinis.

   My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile

   Watching the Macy's Thanskgiving Day Parade. It's not a parade, it's a 3 hour ad for Broadway plays. Where's the Bullwinkle float!???

   if I Really tell Santa what I want for Christmas, Then I will definitely be on his naughty list ...

   I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

   I would watch “The Bachelor” if the next bachelor was Chumlee.