Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   two months from now, toilet paper still remains out of stock. the people begin to riot. the charmin bears perch upon their mountain of wealth, watching humanity suffer

   A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

   my mom's house is like the one in Home Alone except all the booby traps are emotional

   My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

   I watched about five minutes of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter on Netflix. That may be the worst thing that has happened to Abraham Lincoln in a theater

   I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees. [Unfortunately,she was just coming home]

   My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

   Animals are our friends, but they won't pick you up at the airport

   My mind reels at the changes that will happen in the next 108 years before the Cubs' next World Series.

   Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket.

   70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.

   The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

   This is what happens when the Cubs win the World Series.

   Cubs win the World Series, Trump wins the Pressidency..what's next? Me in a stable relationship?...I like those odds

   Will be interesting to see which people in the Democr@t command structure get "Suicided" over the next few weeks.

   I'd publish my autobiography but it's just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.

   There will be a 'Supermoon' tonight... That means it will be wearing its underpants on the outside.

   My alone time is sometimes for your safety."

   12 years of school, 4 years of college; so now I can type "c you @ 2" #reallife