Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I'm feeling down and someone says "Keep your chin up!" I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and tell them "Walk it off!"

   Spring is acting like a deadbeat dad... like are you coming or not.

   My phone rang so now I need to get a new one.

   Them: What's your favorite food? Me: Yes.

   After all the "Stormy" there's some "Sunshine" in the white house

   I stopped complaining about my insomnia when I found out most of my relatives died in their sleep.

   My virginity was protected for a long time by a force field or awkwardness.

   Woman aks pharmacy clerk if they sold extra large comdoms. Clerk said yes, would like a pack? No she replied. But I'd like to wait here untill someone does.

   tag: “dry clean only” me: single-use garment? what a waste

   Ladies, if he is calling you a 10/10 he calling you a 1. Do the math!

   Want to know the secret to success? Delete your Facebook account.

   I'm dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

   Why don't adult cereals come with prizes? A pill organizer Post it notes Vouchers for gas ...And so on.

   My wife's fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

   If you ever wake up naked on your neighbour's lawn, just pretend you're a werewolf.

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

   A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today. My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

   Ring = she’s married Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

   The cashier asked me if I wanted my milk in a bag to whom I replied No thanks, I think it would be easier to carry home in the container.

   I'm not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel; I'm just saying that innocent people don't write songs to defend themselves.