Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This twit looked at my beer belly and sarcastically said, "Is that Heinken or Millers?" I said, " There’s a tap underneath, taste it".

   Went by the house where I grew up. I went up to the door, and asked to go in to look around, but they said No, and shut the door in my face... Mom and Dad can be so rude.

   I can't be the only person who's noticed that only flat animals cross the road.

   Did you know the bathroom is where 99% of Instagram lurking is done...

   Babies: You have hidden your face and then made it appear again....this pleases me.

   My parents thought they were naming me something unique, but really they just signed me up for a life with a misspelled, mispronounced, never gonna find it on a Coke bottle name.

   Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.

   I don't like who I am at buffets.

   [At job interview] Interviewer: Do you have a police record?... Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette... *hires me instantly

   The longest relationship I've had is with an antidepressant. Perfect phrase to put on my eHarmony account.

   Sorry your winter coat is getting more action than you are this spring.

   I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.

   Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.

   I bet you $4,567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

   Can I get a Hell Yeah if you don't know what you're doing with your life and you don't get enough sleep.

   Pro tip: Fall in love with someone who will treat you how Kanye treats Kanye.

   Irony: Being able to sleep in during vacation yet waking up spontaneously at 6 am and not being able to get back to sleep.

   Now accepting applications for: "PARTNER IN CRIME" Must be fluent in smart-@$$, sarcasm, and adult language. Questionable morals and nudity may be required.

   I just want the self confidence of a cat.

   .... Of course Gamer Boy living in my basement .... you're not going to find the perfect Gamer Girl ..... Cuz she's sitting at home playing games just like you ....