Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if the first man who said to a woman 'Just calm down' seriously expected that to happen.

   After enough vodka shots, a toddler bed is actually quite comfortable.

   A group of children is called a "Mucus"

   if you love something let it go, if you don't love something definitely let it go. basically, just drop everything, who cares

   I really like compliments but I don't want anyone talking to me...

   And that concludes the end of the presentation. Any questions? "Um yes. Hi. Since I stayed awake the whole time can I have a raise?"

   If you don't boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?

   This has been one of those years That I should've stayed in bed

   I think I'm going to save my good stuff for the after hours crowd, it's Getting Hot In Here!

   The motto for the day is....Stupid people should not be allowed to reproduce!!!!!

   It seems like I can have any woman I DON'T want.

   Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.

   You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!

   Bitstrips are like the internet version of Ed Hardy by now.... enough.

   I enjoy long romantic walks to my liquor cabinet.

   "Hippos are actually more dangerous than crocodiles and sharks combined." - Moron who clearly hasn't pictured a Crocoshark.

   Stop playing the victim. That’s not even a real instrument.

   With great power comes no accountability.

   If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.

   My best posts are like children... I have my favorites and nobody else seems to be interested in hearing about them.