Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We scream at each other, we don't have sex and I'm always in trouble for the crap I didn't do. This isn't a friendship. .This is a marriage!

   What I want is a woman who loves me for my money, but is really really bad at math.

   I've been wearing my GF's panties and stretching them out. Now she thinks she's losing weight.

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net a years supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.

   When you put marshmallows in a ziploc bag, then label it "snowman's poop" just so you can show everyone at Show&Tell,,,, you're obviously gonna grow up and be a Superhero...

   Some people's idea of living dangerously is watching p0rn with the volume on.

   It can get pretty exhausting hating as many people as I do in a day.

   FYI - Double check whats in the cup on the nightstand before waking up and taking a big drink.... Nothing like watered down crown and coke first thing in the morning...

   No, I don't wanna know any of your real names. I've never recovered from finding out that Ice T's name is Tracey

   I love you, but I'm not in "change my relationship status on FB" love with you

   Dogs don't care if Bacon is crispy or not!

   when you are staring at your beautiful reflection in the mirror, point at it and say "YOU ARE AWESOME!" everyday and you will believe it. then trim your nose hairs because they are looking pretty disgusting.

   JAB, Let this be a lesson to idiots every where, you won't get away with it. . .

   Those three little words. Those three little wonderful words that mean so much. Yes. Those three little wonderful words: "HEY LET'S EAT!"

   People who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead" must not understand the concept of sleeping.

   I sneak alcohol into work because I'm a problem solver.

   Fake people have an image to maintain. Real people just don't give a sh it.

   Attention: Today only you can buy #googleglass for $1500 and look like an even bigger D-bag! It even matches your bluetooth earpiece.

   My wife has decided to get a nose job. Unfortunately, the rest of her hasn't got a job to pay for it.

   Have you ever told someone you'd be ready in 10 minutes and 4 hours later you're still on Facebook?