Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

   Hey ladies, a reminder that anyone with a single brain cell knows that being skinny has absolutely nothing to do with being pretty.

   The worst stage of any relationship is when you're having sex but still not comfortable enough to fart.

   she said she was not comfortable watching me masturbate. So I told her to take a different bus.

   To save myself a lot of frustration, I have decided to assume that every new person I need is an idiot until they prove otherwise.

   If they would raid a job fair like area 51 ..nahhh that will not happen.

   It is a big burden being the only one who can prevent forrest fires.

   Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...

   Hey protesters, they ran out of participation medals. GO HOME, there is nothing for you.

   The Chinese built a wall and no Mexican can be found. See? See? IT WORKS!

   It's called the "Grammy Awards" not the "Useful Idiot Awards" ... So shut up and Sing!

   That whole day without immigrants was just as bad as Y2K

   So Justin Trudeau has Covid. I'll bet he feels like he's been hit by a truck.

   Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

   Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

   Starbucks is now a PC corporate homeless shelter!

   In a society with more dumb people than smart, democracy becomes a serious problem.

   Admit it. Every once in a while you say "Open Sesame" while walking up to an automatic door.

   "Hey, Baby. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?" "Sir, step away from the body. She fell from a balcony and this is a crime scene."

   I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.