Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Off is the general direction in which I wish you would f*ck.

   Middle school- "shut up, it was a dare!" High school- "shut up, I was drunk!"

   Men - Alcohol impairs your ability to make good decisions. We don't want you to lose that ability... we want her to.

   What an awesome Springer quote: "You're the crazy one! You chase me with a hammer and yell all the time, the whole trailer park knows."

   BAT WINGS: When you're sweaty, and your sac starts stickin to your inner thighs

   just read the list of movies the library of congress deemed worthy to preserve, Breakin' 2 electric boogaloo was robbed again!

   I'm not making a new years resolution because it's a dumb wasteful thing to do....by the way 2011 is going to be the year I never tell lies.

   According to Apple, 300,000 people did not have sex this weekend.

   Dear fellow person looking for the lady popping out kids every 10 seconds I have found that lady! her name is Michelle Duggar.

   thinks that constant nagging of a girfriend is a real turn off...

   I love you in a "leave me alone" kinda way!

   Why don't blind men skydive?...........Because it scares the sh*t out of the dog.

   The difference between you and a battery is that battery has positive side.

   walked past victoria secret the lady said are bras are 50% off I said I like when they are 100% off

   You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

   Dear Facebook, You appear to be on girls' minds at least 10 times a day. Any advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated

   Double stuffed- chocolate cream filled oreos? I think someone at Nabisco has been reading my diary!!

   I'm waiting for my marriage license to expire because I'm not going to renew

   hates eating hard shell tacos. Take one bite and it becomes nachos.

   ‎"POOF" did you see that?? No you didn't did you?? "MAGIC" that's why!!!