Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being fat is over weighted.- Elmer Fudd

   Teaching my kids some nursery rhymes for the first time... Damn you Andrew Dice Clay!

   Apocalypse Update - Day 67: I should have bought more Febreeze for the bunker, dammit.

   if you had... one shot... one opportunity... to take two samples at costco when the dude's not lookin... would you capture it... or let it slip

   Video games don't encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

   I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

   I'm not perfect, but I'm better than your ex and gonna be better than your next.

   wondering why they keep midget porn on the top shelf?

   Some people should have a glass bellybutton so when they get their heads so far up their asses, they can see out!

   Santa is too real! I saw him outside the liquor store last night and he smells of Bourbon and Marlboros.

   Snowmen for sale....some assembly required!

   the best of part waking up is folgers in my whiskey.

   Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it." Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"

   life is better when you decide you dont care

   Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway??

   Whenever I hand someone my camera to take a picture, they act like I'm asking them to pilot an alien spaceship. JUST PUSH THE DAMN BUTTON!

   I think I just contracted herpes in my eyes from watching Jersey Shore.

   When you don't remember someones name, you wait for someone else to say it so you can pretend like you knew it all along.

   "Dear Santa, seeing you cant define naughty, is it possible you could overlook september for me"?

   Ellen DeGeneres finds it hard to judge people and hurt their feeling so she is leaving American Idol. Producers have put in a call to Mel Gibson.