Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway.

   I need a volunteer to make sure when I die, my obituary reads: he laid down that boogie and played that funky music til he died.

   Blood makes you related but loyalty makes you family

   Jokes about German sausage are the wurst

   The K.K.K. may be worth joining just to find out the name of the brilliant washing powder they use.

   Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

   Well....Today IS THE DAY....... Time to pull out of the freezer.... the 5 bags of orange and black peanut butter flavored rocks that I got last November at Walgreens for 80% off..... Those pesky kid's teeth will NEVER know what hit them .....Bwhahahaha

   Biggest turn on: When a girl picks the iron as her Monopoly piece.

   I think it would be cheaper to just buy stamps and mail my car back and forth to work.

   Getting Old- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

   I just bought a $5 frappuccino at Starbucks and got a free 2 week supply of napkins and sugar. I guess it balances out.

   TIP FOR GUYS: If you have a girl coming over to watch a movie, make sure to pick a movie that's not worth watching. If you know what I mean!

   The weather lady on channel 6 says she expects to get a few inches tonight..!

   When it comes to friends...I'd rather have four quarters than one hundred pennies.

   ‎"I got 99 chores and I ain't did one." - Lay Z

   The Discovery Channel is filming a new series about my ex-wife. It is called Deadliest Snatch

   Why do so many people go out of their way to move to our country ..... then complain that they find our way of life offensive.

   I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday... *Usually either Nestlé or Captain.

   The Olive Garden is bringing back its “Pasta Pass,” which lets you eat as much pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign.

   If you wear camo gear and you're not in the woods I'm just going to assume you're hunting dignity.