Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jokes about German sausage are the wurst

   The K.K.K. may be worth joining just to find out the name of the brilliant washing powder they use.

   I think it would be cheaper to just buy stamps and mail my car back and forth to work.

   Getting Old- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

   I just bought a $5 frappuccino at Starbucks and got a free 2 week supply of napkins and sugar. I guess it balances out.

   TIP FOR GUYS: If you have a girl coming over to watch a movie, make sure to pick a movie that's not worth watching. If you know what I mean!

   ‎"I got 99 chores and I ain't did one." - Lay Z

   The Discovery Channel is filming a new series about my ex-wife. It is called Deadliest Snatch

   The weather lady on channel 6 says she expects to get a few inches tonight..!

   When it comes to friends...I'd rather have four quarters than one hundred pennies.

   Why do so many people go out of their way to move to our country ..... then complain that they find our way of life offensive.

   I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday... *Usually either Nestlé or Captain.

   The Olive Garden is bringing back its “Pasta Pass,” which lets you eat as much pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign.

   If you wear camo gear and you're not in the woods I'm just going to assume you're hunting dignity.

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.

   Long story short, I love summaries

   Life is like a box of chocolates...I don't think so! Mine is more like a box of hand grenades...pull the wrong pin and everything goes flying!

   Help! My Chia Pet is sick and I'm not sure if I should bring it to the Vet or the Florist?

   anything is possible with boobs

   Farmville? Meh..just wake me up when they launch "Margaritaville"..