Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just read that having sex burns just as much calories as running 4 miles. Who the f@&k runs 4 miles in 30 seconds?

   out making some changes in hisher life...leave a message and I'll get back yo you. if I don't return your message your one of the changes!

   got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

   hhhmmmmm the state of the union is on the B.E.T. network? I never saw that when Bush was in office.

   I give up on life when I picked up this girls phone and saw my contact name as FREE FOOD.

   Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and...

   I dont get it, no one complains when Madonna and Angelina Jolie steal black kids from africa.

   I am not sure if I need to get beat up, broke as hell and drive a P.O.S car to get a hot girlfriend. Because that's all I see, ugly is the new hot!

   What's black and fills out welfare forms?? A pen, you jerk.

   I like to walk into McDonalds with a Taco Bell bag and pull out a Whopper, then tearfully scream "somebody really McF*cked up this time!!!"

   A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his.

   Cinco de mayo : or as I call it...The day that all the people who complain about Mexicans all the sudden want to celebrate their holiday just so they have a reason to drink today..

   My girlfriend is still mad at me because I called her fat last month! Well, you know what they say... Elephants never forget.

   if they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food.

   99 bottles of beer on the wall. 99 bottles of beer. Take them all down skip the dam song, drink em all at once with a beer bong.

   Ok, slow down people. We're starting to evolve in the wrong direction.

   Has a huge Migraine.... I think this is gods way of saying quit laughing at Hellen Keller Jokes.

   Makeup can make you look pretty on the outside. But it doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup.

   has learned a lot from dogs: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down (I've really only applied the last to my life, however)

   Anybody know how to calm down a 5 year old who's high on 3 bowls of Sugar Crisp? HELP!!!