Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people think that I assume the world revolves around me, which of course is total nonsense. The world revolves around the sun, which shines out of my a$$.

   Tiger Woods: "I regret leaving Buddhism for Bootyism".

   wants to point out that real men don't sparkle unless he just got back from the titty bar.

   Expired milk in my fridge: Do I throw it out or wait until it's delicious cheese?

   having an I will never drink again moment!

   I bet those Chilean miners going to be pissed when they have to go back to work at 5 in the morning tomorrow.

   What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Face book?

   How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should already be open when she brings it.

   Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?

   f you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, start a chainsaw.

   its funny how people say they gonna change and its a new year shut the hell up you gonna be the same person just a diff year

   “A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.”

   How do you stop a woman giving you head? Marry her.

   McDonald's should start gearing ads toward their target audience: husky toddlers and seagulls.

   Epic failure on my cooking tonight, even the dog took one bite and licked his ass afterwards to get the taste out of his mouth.

   "911, What is your emergency?" "2 girls are fighting over me!" "So what's the problem sir?" "The ugly one is winning"

   Notice the same people that complain about being broke are the same people that are updating status saying out shopping on Black Friday.

   would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already

   Microsoft really can't count. Windows 95, 98, 2000, 7. Xbox, Xbox 360, Xbox 1.

   Dear skinny gym girls... exercise and yoga pants don't fix ugly.