Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm taking my family to see the Nutcracker on Saturday. Of course I'm talking about my mother-in-law, not the show.

   Well, if this apocalypse doesn't work out, I hear there's a Jamaican calender that ends on 4/20 next year....

   My goal is to one day make it through an entire p orn movie.

   Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.

   Tonight I'm playing hard to get off the sofa.

   If you ALWAYS think the grass is greener on the other side, it might be because you need to take better care of your own sh!t.

   Don't tell secrets near a grape vine.

   No, autocorrect. I don't want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that's fine.

   Home is where I can look and feel ugly and enjoy it.

   Auditioning for Animal Planet's new series, "I Shouldn't Be Awake."

   Renee Zellweger and Kristen Stewart, drunk or high?

   People who say "like a boss" obviously don’t know what they are talking about because a typical boss does things half assed and incorrectly, only to turn around and blame others.

   St. Patrick Pro Tip: Clean your toilet now!! You may be face down in it later........

   Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I'm going to assume that's your smart car parked outside.

   My girlfriend wanted a serious relationship. Now we don't smile at each other.

   It's time for "Team America 2" to be released featuring Kim Jong Un...

   I never make the same mistake twice.... Dozens, maybe hundreds of times-but never twice.

   When does the Brazilian Pole Dancing Team come on?

   Meteorology: The Exact Science Of Guesswork

   Great move NASA, let's blast Will.I.Am's music into space. That will definately let every alien nation know we are intelligent. Throw in some Beiber while your at it.