Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's so cold out I just yelled "MUSH" to start my car!

   "Shutting the hell up about your diet" is also low in calories.

   one time I came home early and walked in on my dog pretending to be me. he was just lying on the floor sighing but I know it was me

   there anything on this menu with extra gluten?

   You think you love your family but suddenly there's three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.

   My shirt has two button-down options: Uptight golf dude, or disco chest hair.

   There are those who sit and watch, and those who do. ..........I prefer to be one of those who tell others to do, then watch! ;-)

   Why did someone make a 'Piñata Endangerment Awareness' group on facebook??

   My Grandfather is eighty and still doesn't need glasses... He drinks straight out of the bottle.

   realized that beating the drums is the only thing you get applauded for, if you beat anything else your either weird... or abusive.

   Good friends are like bras...close to your heart, and always there for support

   "Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure"

   did my taxes yesterday.. seemed like a perfectly legitimate way to defraud the Government

   Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.

   There are no winners in life... only survivors.

   Its not that I'm not that into you. Its more that I'm not into you at all.

   The camera adds 10 pounds. Reality adds 20.

   Nobody stops and considers with everyone getting cellphones, Clark Kent will have resort to Port-O-Potties to change into Superman. Not a very heroic image is it!?

   If there's one thing I like to rock,it's casbahs.

   not drunk... just deliciously enlightened.