Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to chain messages, I should've died 18 times, been raped twice, been cut 10 times.

   I hate it when I'm drinking a beverage and as I'm tipping the glass the ice cubes suddenly shift causing a mini tsunami that washes over my upper lip. I need one of those early warning buoys in my tea. Either that or a bib.

   Unlike Rudolph, I don't have to visit the Island of Misfit Toys this Christmas. I work there.

   Sleeping naked is good. Waking up next to that special someone is even better

   I just got fired, but the boss wrote me a really nice recommendation letter. He wrote, “If you get (this guy) to work for you, you'll be lucky!”

   I'm only going to waste 23 hours tomorrow.

   As a fast driver, I have certain rules when I come to a red light intersection with two or more lanes. In order of importance: Never get behind a: 1) A semi, bus or large truck, 2) Drivers with grey hair, 3) A Prius (or other hybrid), and 4) A mini van

   Without Facebook, I probably wouldn't have wished you a happy birthday. ツ

   Civil war divides Libya into Libya Majora and Libya Minora.

   Punxutawney Phil came back out today and wrote a message in the snow. It said, "April Fools!!"

   If HP made weapons there would be no wars because the stupid ammo would cost more than the guns.

   If you're an idiot, punch yourself in the face!

   No matter how funny you are, If I don't like you, I won't laugh.

   It's going to take a lot more than a few “LIKES” on my Facebook page to make me forget what an ass you were in high school.

   Sometimes it's like my wife and I aren't even related.

   What happened to the good old days when words never hurt people

   "No comment" usually translates into "Oh, if you only knew."

   Thanks, confirmation email telling me I've successfully unsubscribed from your emails. You just had to get the last word in didn't you?

   When a man says "I can't find it", he actually means, "Since it is not within a two foot radius of me, I have no clue where it could be".

   Swears to tell the truth..the half truth and nothing like the truth so help me Bob