Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Without Facebook, I probably wouldn't have wished you a happy birthday. ツ

   Civil war divides Libya into Libya Majora and Libya Minora.

   Punxutawney Phil came back out today and wrote a message in the snow. It said, "April Fools!!"

   If HP made weapons there would be no wars because the stupid ammo would cost more than the guns.

   If you're an idiot, punch yourself in the face!

   No matter how funny you are, If I don't like you, I won't laugh.

   It's going to take a lot more than a few “LIKES” on my Facebook page to make me forget what an ass you were in high school.

   Sometimes it's like my wife and I aren't even related.

   What happened to the good old days when words never hurt people

   "No comment" usually translates into "Oh, if you only knew."

   Thanks, confirmation email telling me I've successfully unsubscribed from your emails. You just had to get the last word in didn't you?

   When a man says "I can't find it", he actually means, "Since it is not within a two foot radius of me, I have no clue where it could be".

   Swears to tell the truth..the half truth and nothing like the truth so help me Bob

   I told my wife the best way to get motivated to lose weight is to try on the bikini she wants to wear this summer....She told me to shut up and take it off.

   Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, thats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!!

   Bin Laden-R.I.P. REST IN PISS!

   "After seeing Kate and William getting married and the Pope's beatification this weekend, my life is complete. I don't care if I die tomorrow" - Osama Bin Laden

   noticed that on the same night Obama was ordering the Navy to kill bin laden, his potential opponent in 2012, Donald Trump, was busy firing Playmate of the Month Hope Dworaczyk........

   Guys don't post stuff like ☆ BEAUTIFUL☆ FATHER☆ AWARD ☆ on eachouther's walls with the whole ˙·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙ crap after it.  We show each other love by posting, "Dude, you're an A$$!"  

   Somewhere, there is someone still in prison for stealing VCRs