Funny Status Messages

   When I was a baby I kept a diary. Recently I was reading, it said: Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I am some kind of idiot.

   When you cut the head off a snake, it doesn't die right away, it's still dangerous. The war on terror is NOT over, just yet.

   Girls fall in love with what they hear, Boys fall in love with what they see, that's why girls wear make up and boys lie.

   Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."

   I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.

   I am aware that I am less than what some people prefer me to be but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.

   off to Mamby-Pamby land in search of self-confidence.

   Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.

   The best times of my life were spent either blowing bubbles or playing with titties…

   I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn't like to be trapped by boobies????

   I'd rather watch John Goodman rub mayonnaise on himself once an hour for the rest of my life, than listen to "Call Me Maybe" one more time

   You know what makes me smile? My face muscles.

   The weekend just logged me out due to inactivity.

   I've learned so much from my mistakes...I'm gonna make a few more.

   You're as useless as the G in Lasagna

   A horse walks into a bar. "Too late," says the bartender, "we're joking about the pope now."

   Never send Dennis Rodman to N.Korea to do Chris Brown's job.

   Harrison Fords plane crashed. I hope Chewbacca is okay.

   Just got an email saying "want to see Taylor Swift Live"? I thought it was a ransom demand....

   "You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.