Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn't scary enough.

   Hallmark has birthday cards out already, and it's not anywhere near my birthday.

   Hope my Facebook friends like my staycation photos! -Me in a chair. -Me on the couch. -Different chair. -Sitting on the bed. -Couch again.

   She said she hates my analogies and wishes I would communicate like a normal person, but that's like telling a samurai not to use his sword.

   Why does Victoria Beckham call them boobs and not a Spice Rack?

   I just got my ancestry.com DNA test back! So excited!!! Turns out I'm 61% Italian, 15% Irish, 10% Greek and 14% Alcohol.... Not bad for a Thursday morning!

   The problem with this generation boils down to: Their cartoons suck.

   What happens in the woods stays in the woods, so always keeps a shovel handy.

   If you have a recycling bin full of cans with holes from a 22. Then sure, we can be friends

   Inner beauty is just code for when we go out you're buying your own drinks.

   These kids on MasterChef Junior are incredible! I think I'm creative when I add lettuce and tomato to a sandwich.

   My favorite part of a Niki Minaj song is where I smash my IPod on the ground and stomp on it!

   The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about or why you're fighting .

   Facebook partly responsible for flat wide asses across the globe

   I wish I had one of those Looney Toon Hammers to snooze my freaking alarm clock... Shut The F!#$ Up!!!

   P.S. don't forget to take that stick outta ur ass! ;)

   Someday we'll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.

   Making up fake resumes for my coworkers and submitting them for sh!tty jobs.

   treat everyone as you would like to be treated... except in bed, "that" could be illegal in some countries or religions!

   "just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. "