Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next time you visit someone with Alexa. "Alexa set 3am alarm with horror movie sounds."

   St Peter: "so..how did you die?" Me: "I was sat on a beanbag and the house caught fire"

   Did I miss the grammys again! darn that makes like 10 years in a row.

   I put my fitbit on the refrigerator handle. Amazing, my daily activity has increased 10 fold....that's the ticket....

   Life lesson 249: A short temper is not a sign of strength.

   Some people would rather stay ignorant and self-satisfied.

   I just bought a crappy car that was made in Prague. The Czech engine light keeps coming on.

   My Wife just told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don't shine. So I just booked a $553 flight to Seattle. Women make no sense some days.

   You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday...and you’re 32.

   Ladies, please remove your Apple Watch if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a Spy Kid.

   Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.

   I'm going to start an online store where people can buy bait for when they go fishing for compliments on Facebook.

   I'll acknowledge Canada Day whey they finally acknowledge that's not bacon.

   I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::

   My desire to be well-informed during this presidential election is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.

   Hoping people are not gonna play Pokemon Go during the Summer Olympics games in Rio... looking for Zikaachu..

   So Hillary's VP plays harmonica. That's all we need. More blowing in the Oval Office.

   I'm a nervous wreck about this election, because I'm too rude to live in Canada

   Decorating question: What color paint matches well with dust?

   I must admit, my "Kiss Me, I Have The Zika Virus" T-shirt is giving me a lot of personal space inside this subway car.