Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Big sunglasses are an ugly girl's best friend

   I wonder if Tommy Lee, Tom Jones, and Tommy Lee Jones all get each other's mail.

   Why didn't Beyonce and Jay-Z name their kid B-Jay?

   If this picture of me running a red light is going to cost me $350, they coulda added a dragon and put it in a pirate ship frame.

   The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!

   Hey A Rod, the steroids must've clouded your memory. It seems you've forgotten you're a douche...

   It's so hot outside,, that other people's balls are sticking to my legs.

   Holy s$it Karma, how much longer till we’re all squared up?

   Red Hot Chilli Peppers nailed it. "Give it away" pretty much summarizes the first half.

   the new Star Wars trailer went online today & it's already a better movie than The Phantom Menace.

   If Mexico wanted to really harm the U.S., they would cut off our supply of drugs.

   Happy Mothers day Bruce Jenner!

   One more mood swing and I'll have the whole set.

   You know how you can hear the sea if you hold a sea shell to your ear? I'm pretty sure if you hold dog sh*t to your ear it sounds like Justin Bieber.

   Everything I have learned about women has come from a pamphlet in a tampon box.

   Being heckled during sex is the worst.

   Some days you just can't get home to your liquor fast enough

   Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

   I'm not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.

   My gf won’t get the remote that’s in the other room, but if my wallet was at the bottom of an ocean she’d be shopping already.