Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a woman on my train whispering her texts as she types them and now we all know that kevin might have herpes.

   I'm still watching the Never Ending Story

   After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

   Becoming skinny this summer is cancelled due to the virus. Pass the cupcakes...

   My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account

   I sleep better naked, why can't the flight attendant understand this?

   Decaf is the handjob of coffee.

   Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.

   I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.

   DAY 126 WITHOUT SEX, I'VE LOST THE HEARING IN MY RIGHT EYE

   The kid next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard ..... time to go mow my gravel driveway.

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy's pickup truck leaves him too.

   Alexa, what the hell are these Asian ladies saying about me in this nail salon?

   In a galaxy 40 billion light years away some alien dude is saying, “but I’m not like the other guys,” while an alien lady rolls all 37 of her eyes.

   I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

   "This isn't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo

   My sandal invention for people with one leg turn out to be a flop.

   Today's Tip of the Day:Taste your words before you spit them out.

   As soon as the new iPhone was announced, a weird thing happened. My old iPhone started begging for its life.

   Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 40