Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a free button called Block/Unfriend and Delete.... trust me those things can work miracles when it comes to dealing with drama on Fb

   If I were taller, I'd be the perfect weight. By taller, I mean 8' 11"

   Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.

   Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.

   Yes. You're Wrong: A guide for men preparing for marriage.

   Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger… at least one of them anyway.

   I call my bedroom ‘the place where the magic happens’ because it’s where I make my self-respect disappear.

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just tighten all the jar lids. That way she'll HAVE to talk to you.

   I finally received my W2 from Facebook

   [job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by noon...

   Dear women, he does not want a watch for his Birthday. He wants you to dress like a hooker, handcuff him to a chair and have the kind of sex with him that would definitely upset churchgoing people.

   College kids please choose a career in something you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because that dream job isn't hiring....

   I'd donate to a GoFundMe page dedicated to stopping people from asking me to donate to their GoFundMe page.

   Calling someone “stupid” is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it’s just a diagnosis.

   Fast food workers that want a tip confuse me, if you want a tip, be a server, not a flipper.

   Smart Car owners have the added bonus of "my dog ate my car' as an excuse for being late to work.

   My philosophy is if you haven't used something in over a year you should just throw it away, which is why my genitals are in the garbage

   When 100 couples were asked "why did you decide to have kids" the most popular answer was "because we hate our money."

   I fell into a gorilla enclosure once and nobody even noticed

   Whenever I see our many elected leaders in the news or in commercials I always envy McDonalds employees. This is because they only have to tolerate seeing one clown who runs the show on TV.