Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saw a fat dude lick pizza grease off his shirt so that's the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

   News flash for Jack and Jill: You don't go uphill to find water.

   I don't care about a politician's tax returns. I want to see their IQ test results.

   I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she fell asleep.

   Recently I've been reading the book of Jeremiah, because not only was he a bullfrog, he was a good friend of mine as well.

   I've decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing. I really think it will spice up my autobiography.

   Why are all the good open-minded liberals moving to Canada? What's wrong with Mexico? If we look at the map, it appears Mexico is about the same distance from the U.S. as Canada. So what's up?

   Hillary and Trump are in a boat and it sinks. Who survives? I'd say Hillary. According to Bill, she never goes down.

   Donald Trump says he's only taking $1.00 a year as President. We could have had Hillary for $.77

   Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.

   Why don't keyboards have a ".com" key on them now? Come on nerds!

   I wonder if China was clever enough to make the Mongolians pay for their wall?

   I think I'm going to buy one of those new 3D printers. Then I'll use it to print another 3D printer and then return the original printer to get my money back.

   I don't drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

   For those of you who don't have a significant other to spend Valentine's Day with, kindly resist the temptation to brag about it.

   Happy Single's Discrimination Day #NotMyValentinesDay

   If psychics and palm readers knew anything they'd have hand washing stations.

   My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of coffee.

   If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.

   State Farm is hoping no one will notice when they replace Aaron Rodgers with a black guy.