Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am pretty sure that J.Lo plus butter equals Snookie

   Every time I see that one mattress commercial that attempts to gross you out by saying your mattress doubles in weight after 8 years due to dust mites, sweat and dead skin. I always think to myself, why leave out the big contributing factor? Happy Endings

   I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it -- like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging.

   I'm only on here for entertainment. Please don't try and make me learn anything.

   According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the top three paying jobs for women are pharmacist, chief executive, and Tiger Woods wife.

   To prevent injuring your thumb while hammering,have your wife hold the nails.

   In Dog Beers, I only plan on having 1 tonight

   I should have guessed that huge red toy on the wall at the sex shop was too good to be true! Oh well. I might be $50 shorter but I now have a fire extinguisher for the home!

   loves it when a parent only has pictures of their kids as profile pictures and none of themselves. You can never be too careful these days.

   what's the difference between frog and a horny toad? A frog says ribbit, and a horny toad says rub it!

   Nice try Bruce, but nobody over the age of 11 is named "Caitlyn"

   I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores

   Pro tip: buy the cheap vodka and run it through your Brita water filter a few times..

   My Uber driver almost crashed twice. 5 stars. Very exciting.

   Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

   Did you know the Boeing 767 is made up of 3.1 million parts from 800 manufacturers who were the lowest bidder. Anyways...have safe flights over the Thanksgiving holiday 

   Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

   I'm glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn't do the whole dictionary

   This bar doesn't know it yet, but it's about to be karaoke night.

   $764 for a round trip airline ticket. I hope they don't go broke giving me 3 ounces of Sprite and 5 peanuts!!