Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your music has been featured on "Jersey Shore" your band needs to break up.

   Why are there so many First baptist Churches? One of those has to be second, third..........

   When I was 18, I really thought I was in love. So, I asked my grandfather. ‘ is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'

   Sometimes The Best Thing To Say Is Nothing. Some People Are Not Even Worth Your Words.

   Insteading of buying a big, hi-definition TV I got new glasses instead. Now the picture is sharper and more lifelike and I saved thousands of dollars!

   Wow, you're tall. Do you play basketball? ..Wow, you're short. Do you play mini golf?

   Happy Discount Chocolate Tuesday

   A blizzard in January, and a tornado in February. I didn't realize how bi polar mother nature really is.

   Whenever I meet an honor student I tell them about their mom's bad driving.

   not spoiled...... I deserve all my stuff.

   Some of us have to learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

   Ladies, you need to quit tanning so much! No guy wants to date a woman who can strike a match on her face to smoke a cigarette after sex...

   (sigh) women

   You're like a cloud: once you f*ck off,it's a nice day.

   It's too bad you don't get any sexual satisfaction out of being screwed over all the time. I would be set for life!!!

   In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

   THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends…it's not rocket science.

   I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case.

   With the rise in social networking which we all enjoy, there is a crucial need for someone to invent and standardise a sarcasm font.

   My brain is giving me the silent treatment.