Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Duty of a true Patriot is to protect his country from it's government.

   I'll probably be sick of these orange sherbet pushups by the time I finish the 22 pushup challenge but, I am determined to finish it anyway.

   My definition of clean living is mixing my Jack and Coke with my pinky since it's touched less gross stuff than my other fingers.

   If you plan your own birthday party, you really don't have that much to celebrate.

   The wise make good use of prosperity. The stupid buy a $2,000 car and spend $5,000 on rims.

   "For the last time woman, it's an ACTION figure!!!"

   My cats think I'm the best cook.

   "As an alternative to dieting, I'm going to simply refer to myself as "value-sized"."

   one of my biggest fears is to look out my window at night and see someone staring back at me.

   My math teacher accused me of cheating, I can't help that my english teacher is hotter.

   Here in America we pay homeage to our Presidents by gathering at malls and walmarts giving back our tax returns

   It's extremely frustrating when you spell a word so incorrectly that even spell check isn't able to help you out.

   Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.

   Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control

   I think some people just shouldn't be allowed reproduce because of their IQ level.

   Whenever I drop something edible I just call my dog over to clean it up.

   I don't understand why you can lead a horse to water but you can't make a teenager do the dishes.

    I might be  a 3XL at the mall, but I'm only a petite at "The Big and Tall Store"

   I am pretty sure some girls just have babies so they can put it on their Facebook pages.

   I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans "Free nights and weekends"