Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‪The first idiot to complain that it’s too hot this summer is getting hit with a 10lb. bag of ice!‬

   You know you're broke when American Express calls you and says: "Leave home without it"

   How to strengthen your abs: 1. lie down and put your hands behind your head... Wow, what great position for a nap, better take a nap.

   When someone knocks on my door, I find the best thing to do is knock back from my side. Then they go away.

   Look what happened to Craigslist Casual Encounters! Now where are we supposed to go for sex with strangers and/or possible murderers?!

   I'll never forget the thrill of that first kiss or the night I decided to keep someone else's Tupperware.

   I’m tired of not having any plans to cancel.

   Sex with me is like riding a bike. You never forget it and if you’re doing it you probably don’t have a car, a job, or any dignity.

   Taco Bell is doing a promotion where if a player steals a base in the World Series,,, everyone in America would get a free Doritos Locos Taco.. Which is a great way for both players and fans to have lots of runs.

   Don't let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.

   It's a good thing this video game is rated mature because it's going to be babysitting the kids tonight.

   I'm too tired to stay awake and watch... It feels like this U.S. Election night is Christmas Eve, and America's worried Santa might leave coal and sticks instead of presents in the morning.

   I Wonder if the Bloods ever feel conflicted voting Blue?

   Hey,,,,Only quitters will say you don't eat the corn dog stick.

   That moment when you realize that the people you regarded as gods .... turn out to be nothing more than corrupt men.

   I got up this morning and decided to put on my favorite Fat jeans only to realize they have become just another pair of my skinny jeans

   Leaving the house with 50% battery on your phone is almost as bad as leaving without your wallet.

   Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.

   What if our dreams are just us seeing what the other versions of ourselves in alternate universes are doing?

   When you need magic to happen all you have to do is say "Abra cadabra" and realize you're an idiot for thinking you could make magic happen.