Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If they are taking all the letters of the alphabet, what will we use?

   My behavior during the Pandemic should earn me the Nobel Peace Prize

   87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

   I went to the store to buy some invisible tape but I didn't see any.

   Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

   That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

   If you don't post it, how will anyone else get to read it?

   I'm tired of making me happy. Someone else needs to take a turn.

   In the 90s, we had scaredies: group photos where one person looked afraid the stranger taking the picture was going to steal their camera.

   People in my office act like they've never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

   I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she’s worth a shot

   Tall people know what's up.

   Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

   Kid, “Did you feel that? Was that an earthquake?” Husband, “No it was just your mother coming down the stairs.” And that, folks, is how to end a marriage in 10 words or less.

   I stopped talking to myself because it's too much social stimulation

   Countless individuals over the last 80 years have spent millions of hours on the development of the electronic computer. All so I can sit at my desk yelling "Hurry up you piece of crap!"

   My friend ask me why I was still single. I said I'm single by choice..... Unfortunately it's not by my choce

   I'm at my highest dad level when I see a toddler stroking a cat in the wrong direction.

   My biggest problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

   My 10 year old: Lands 14 platsic water bottle flips in a row, can't hit laundry basket with dirty socks.