Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just want the casual confidence of the woman who wears her travel neck pillow to the airplane bathroom.

   Listen,,, If you're not writing letters to random male prisoners,, you're really not "trying everything" to find a man.

   TSA: Sir, you can't bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight... Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

   I remember back in the 80s,,, BEFORE the Internet really existed,, that MTV used to randomly Rick Roll everyone.

   YOLO is solely responsible for 75% of all teen pregnancies this year.

   "It's not you, it's me." -Twins looking at some family photos.

   How To Satisfy Fast Food Cravings: 1) Grab a handful of almonds. 2) Step off the building.

   Marriage is essentially peeing with the door open and asking "What do you want for dinner?"

   To me everyday is Talk Like A Pirate Day and that's why I'm in between jobs right now.

   Me asking someone out on a date is a lot like them wanting a Coke and I ask "Is Pepsi okay?"

   Plan a romantic evening but instead of rose petals sprinkle a path of grated cheese to the bedroom.

   There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.

   Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

   All I know about love I've learned from my dogs, which is when someone scratches your back you should roll over and show them your nipples.

   She's Like the Wind is my favorite romantic ballad about a beautiful young girl who farts a lot.

   Do they make Three Martini Lunchables?

   Taco Bell is doing a promotion where if a player steals a base in the World Series,,, everyone in America would get a free Doritos Locos Taco.. Which is a great way for both players and fans to have lots of runs.

   Don't let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.

   It's a good thing this video game is rated mature because it's going to be babysitting the kids tonight.

   I'm too tired to stay awake and watch... It feels like this U.S. Election night is Christmas Eve, and America's worried Santa might leave coal and sticks instead of presents in the morning.