Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Man of Steel 2 is in development. So he didn't die? How about a SPOILER ALERT!!!

   How often do I use this exfoliating bath sponge if I want to lose 40 pounds?

   Used to think drunk texting ex girlfriends was a bad thing than I started sober texting ex girlfriends.

   I don't care, therefore I am happy.

   When women watch Bachelor in Paradise it's like the television equivalent of microwaving fish.

   It's ironic how the sheer number of "customer loyalty" cards in my wallet and glovebox show I'm actually the most promiscuous customer ever.

   Wife: You realize it's not Guinness Book of Whirl Records... [Me spinning furiously in an office chair]: Says you.

   The Monopoly piece you choose will tell me all I need to know.

   Apartment websites should at least have basic info like price, size, and if the upstairs neighbors sound like horses playing musical chairs.

   I'm never sure how much ball cleavage to show when I wear my Casual Friday Jean Shorts

   The plants outside of your office are plotting to rescue the plants inside your office. Their plan just takes 1000 years.

   Just want the casual confidence of the woman who wears her travel neck pillow to the airplane bathroom.

   Listen,,, If you're not writing letters to random male prisoners,, you're really not "trying everything" to find a man.

   TSA: Sir, you can't bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight... Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

   I remember back in the 80s,,, BEFORE the Internet really existed,, that MTV used to randomly Rick Roll everyone.

   YOLO is solely responsible for 75% of all teen pregnancies this year.

   "It's not you, it's me." -Twins looking at some family photos.

   How To Satisfy Fast Food Cravings: 1) Grab a handful of almonds. 2) Step off the building.

   Marriage is essentially peeing with the door open and asking "What do you want for dinner?"

   To me everyday is Talk Like A Pirate Day and that's why I'm in between jobs right now.