Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.

   When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.

   When you volunteer at a soup kitchen, apparently it’s “inappropriate” to put out a tip jar.

   I drink to forget that I accidentally once said " I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep.

   Our family rule is that if the kid's costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

   I'll bet the same guy that named the fireplace named Newfoundland.

   Sad to say all your friends "Friends Day" videos are now in the 99 cent bin at Walmart.

   Facebook needs a special button for those who are sick of cartoonists making fun of short T-Rex arms.

   Do you ever hear a song on your car radio and think "I better not die listening to this song"?

   Valentines: Pros and Cons for dating someone.... Con: I'm an a$$hole. Pro: I'm Your a$$hole.

   Pro Tip: Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

   We should make politicians wear shock collars that go off each time they lie.

   The only thing I hate worse than holding my wife's purse is when it doesn't match what I'm wearing.

   Roses are red. I picked you a daisy. Will you still love me when you realize I'm crazy?

   Kanye asking Mark Zuckerberg for $1billion on Twitter is like walking into an Apple store and asking to speak to Bill Gates.

   Whoever said "Do the job right the first time and you'll never have to do it again"....never shoveled a Canadian driveway.

   Have you ever gotten so bored at work that you just started actually doing your job?

   If you think there's nothing better than sex, you've never had a cop turn on their lights behind you then pull over someone else.

   All these 9 year olds with their iPhones, iPads, and laptops....when I was 9, I felt cool with new markers.

   If you're going to rattle my cage, you best make sure I'm padlocked in it.