Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

   Did you know, The Peoples Court theme was plagiarized from the threesome scene in the 70's porn film Debbie Does Dallas.

   Charlie Bucket: It's about time, Wilder. Now do I get the factory?

   If you have sex with someone who likes to be choked, what's the polite amount of time to wait before initiating CPR?

   [God creating bees].. And,,, Put a needle on it's butt... ANGEL: “Come on God, wha—?“... GOD: Oh, and make it's puke delicious... ANGEL:“Can we just call it quits for the day?”... GOD: NO, and I want you to paint stripes on it..

   Just saw a hipster carrying around a phone booth.

   Rick Astley called, he changed his mind, he's giving you up.

   If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing it a Taylor Swift song. You'll die, but the bear will suffer too.

   Women are natural born artists …….. From drawing eyebrows to drawing conclusions .

   Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you "fall asleep right now".

   Did you know the NFL has announced they'll pledge $100 million to prevent player concussions; still no word on preventing their wives concussions.

   Driving 42 miles to buy the same apples I could get 50% cheaper at the local grocery store 2 miles from my house is the reason why I absolutely love Autumn.

   Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.

   Nothing says, "I have a lot of free time," more than someone eating a pomegranate.

   I'm starting to think Trump vs Hillary is because someone went back in time and stepped on a butterfly, and know where living in a future that was never meant to be

   Heard those ruthless and heartless thieves forced Kim K to put her clothes on first before robbing her.

   Someone needs to ask Hillary and Donald what they are planing to do about this growing and serious Clown Crisis?

   Can we get judge Judy to moderate the next debate?

   Uber driver explaining he's never been able to hold a regular job as he merges on to the freeway at 80 mph while playing the dashboard drums.

   One of my fave discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.