Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone lets me out in front of them in traffic, as I merge in, I give them the finger just to see the look of pure confusion on their face.

   I have nothing in common with people who wash, dry, fold and put their laundry away the same day.

   Everyone says they're going to move to Canada if their candidate doesn't win, what the hell is wrong with Mexico?

   I have a 'Do To' list, it's like a To Do list but filled with malicious intent.

   My bank account has been hacked....The hacker felt so sorry for me, he sent me a message and has started a gofundme page......

   Wonder what you do for the other two hours at a Kings of Leon concert after they play 'Sex on Fire'....

   DELTA = Don't Ever Leave The Airport

   There is an American Olympic diver named "Steele Johnson". He could have a great job in adult films with that name...

   After I pet someone's dog, I look the person in the eyes and gravely tell them "He knows what you did."

   Not that anyone asked outright, but yes, my tambourine lessons are coming along nicely.

   If I ask my mom to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It's the button on the left!"

   There is something I really like about women's beach volleyball but I can't put my finger on it.

   Any man believes in freedom of speech at least for themselves.

   Reminder: You have 50 Facebook events you never said you're interested in today.

   I can’t wait until they come out with Oreo flavored Oreos.

   Just put a stick figure family on my car so I’d have one place where I look skinny.

   Apple: If we're forced to build a tool to hack iPhones, someone could steal it... FBI: Nonsense... Russia: We just released NSA's hacking tools

   My dog spins around 3 times before he pees. From the looks of it, someone in that public restroom must've been doing the same thing.

   Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "ruining our credit."

   Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.