Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Brexit has inspired my wife to demand a sexit.

   Now that the Supreme Court has ruled on the Texas law, I'm sure the ruling will end all debate on abortion.

   Trying to convince myself peanut M&M's and red wine is an acceptable snack because together, they have the same ingredients as trail-mix.

   Perhaps it wasn't a good idea to hold a referendum with the same people who came up with "Boaty McBoatface."

   Shocked by the 16% approval rating of congress held by Americans in June 2016. That can't be right. Who are these psychos in the 16 percent?

   People should be indicted for putting raisins and walnuts in coleslaw.

   The worst thing about spanking a disobedient child in the supermarket is having absolutely no idea who’s child it is.

   Remember when people had to entertain themselves on the toilet with a rotary phone.

   Pro Tip: Taking photos inside a Victoria's Secret to make your own catalog is frowned upon by their management.

   Taylor Swift on an episode of Scooby Doo: “And I would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling Kardashians!"

   We need to have a WORKemon GO Game ... Where people get out and walk around looking for a JOB.

   Iced coffee, for when you need to chug your coffee but don't want to lose five layers of skin on the roof of your mouth.

   I wish I were full of tacos instead of emotions.

   I've watched all of Mr. Robot season one and I gotta say this is the absolute worst adaptation of a Styx song.

   Here’s the complete A to Z guide to understanding the enhancements to every new iPhone: It has a better camera.

   Meditation helps me block out distractions and focus on what's important. I recommend it for anyone who wants to step up their napping game.

   That one way trip to Mars isn't looking so bad these days....

   Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job? Well....when they stopped putting Skittles in the break room vending machine.

   In order to enjoy porn, I have to forget everything I know about disease pathology.

   In case you wondered what it's like being married with kids, I just told my wife, "You bathe the baby. I'll scrub the poop off the walls."