Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Crazy glue is like regular glue except it forgot to take its meds

   Somebody needs to invent a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell "Alright already!"

   Gym selfie challenge: Stop taking them. Seriously nobody cares that much about your workout.

   Happy Groundhog Day to any hole-dwelling rodents who happen to be reading this.

   Kylie Jenner named her baby Stormy... So let me get this straight.... The Kardashians now have a Stormy, North, Chicago with a Saint?!

   It's hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food

   If men Honestly answered facebook question ; What's on your mind? Facebook would turn into a pornsite

   I hate arriving early, I hate showing up late, but what I really hate having to be there

   Ironically, the people you meet by accident are often the ones who become an important part of your life

   Nice try "St. Patrick," but I was going to drink anyway. Now...LET'S GET READY TO STUMMMMBLLLLE!

   Sex so good I wake up in the middle of it

   I'm looking for a woman who'll love me for my money but is really bad at math

   Girls say they want a fairytale wedding but when I bring in the evil witch queens and the enchanted frogs, now she changes her mind

   Single men: To keep on enjoying your carefree life, never utter the words "I DO"

   Hello. HP? I'd like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.

   I already finished my chocolate bunny. Next year I want a chocolate moose.

   Fun fact: Hostess Twinkies are 88 years old. (4/06/30) They were first filled with banana cream filling. But change to a vanilla cream filling do to a banana rationing during WW II.

   "I'd love to be your widow, someday" - me flirting

   ;) A mistress is someone between a mister and a mattress

   Welcome to Assumption club I think we all know why we're here...